Student Nurse

On 4th December I start my first ever nursing placement at my local hospital. I got the details of my placement really late. I went to visit yesterday and the staff seem friendly. I needed to speak to the ward Sister to arrange my off-duty as I don't have any! She was in a meeting and after waiting for 2 and a half hours I decided to leave and ring later. I have to ring after 2 o'clock today.

I've been in tears sporadically since yesterday. Why? I have no idea. I just keep bursting into tears. I don't know whether it's nerves or what. I am exceptionally nervous and I keep worrying about my lack of knowledge. I know that the purpose of these placements is to learn basic nursing skills etc but I don't want the rest of the team to become irritated by the fact that I am completely inexperienced. As soon I walked on the ward yesterday I immediately thought "I can't do this, I'm on the wrong course." I don't want to be the geeky new girl who can't even find her way around the ward let alone take and record obs correctly.

I'm totally doubting my abilities. I just hope I can learn and settle quickly and that I fit into the team.

Confidentiality
In concordance with the NMC Code of Professional Conduct (2004) scenarios that I may write about will be based around real events but information such as names, dates and locations will be fictionalized in order to protect confidential information and prevent identification.

Nothing ever changes

I've got my new hair cut.
I've got my new wardrobe.
Nothing has changed.

The new and improved Zee

That's it. I've decided. I am going to "re-invent" myself. No more boring politics obsessed loner that spends her life either online or watching shit programmes like Prime Suspect. I'm actually going to get myself a life and a new wardrobe and haircut to go with it.

Watch this space for the new and improved Zee.

[edit]

I feel like I need to elaborate a little.

I'm sick of being me. I'm bored of me. It's probably not a healthy way to feel when you're only 18 and you've got the rest of your life to live but that's how I feel. I'm sick of obsessing over things I can't change i.e. politics, I'm sick of watching shit on the TV, I'm sick of having nothing to do in my free time except update my iPod, I'm sick of not having any friends because they've all buggered off to uni, I'm sick of my clothes, I'm sick of my hair, I'm sick of this town, I'm sick of these four walls, I'm sick of studying, I'm sick of my dad only ever taking an interest in me when he is dictating to me about religion and telling me I'm going to hell, I'm sick of him not knowing anything about me, I'm sick of him ringing me to check where I am, I'm sick of him asking dumb questions like "why are you at the bus stop?" of "why are you ill?", I'm sick of him having a heart attack whenever a guy talks to me, I'm sick of him kicking off over me listening to music, I'm sick of him never being satisfied with anything I do, I'm sick of him scrutinizing and criticizing everything I do, I'm sick of not having anyone to talk to, I'm sick of not knowing anyone with the same interests of me, I'm sick of not having a like-minded companion, I'm sick of not being happy, I'm sick of it all.

I'm being shallow when I talk about the new and improved me. Yeah, right, like a new wardrobe and haircut is going to change anything really, but it might give me a bit of a confidence boost and enable to embrace the world a bit more and tell certain people to get off my goddamn back.

Oh whatever.

I'm sick of being sick of everything.

...

I feel a little *bleh* today for one reason or another.......
....i want something to happen and I know it won't so I'm a down about it.....

Hello

"Hello, I'll be your velvet girl.
We'll leave this town, we'll change the world"

"Velvet Girl" - Howling Bells

except from a conversation last night...

Z: "I remember "Ugly" once bought me necklace. I got rid of it though."
J: "Do you know, I can't remember what she looks like."
Z: "Well.....she's tall and ugly"

Untitled

She is out there on her own
Perfection in her chromosomes
She walks by I need to know
Her blood red lips as soft as snow
Every time that she walks by
Sends shivers down my spine
Makes me want to die

When she walks across the floor
Electric shock and my heart is raw
Is she real or just a dream
My heart beats fast like Benzedrine
Every time that she walks by
Sends shivers down my spine
Makes me want to die

She's a cherry bomb

She's a bullet in my head
Pull the trigger and I'm dead

She's a cherry bomb
Dream about her in my bed
Pull the trigger and I'm dead

"Cherry Bomb" by Ash

Train to where?

I've found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a young man on the 7:50am train to Blackpool South on Monday. He had short blonde hair, glasses and he was wearing a white t shirt and blue jeans. He told me that he needed to get off the train at Preston railway station but that he didn't know when to get off. I informed him that I was getting off at Preston an as I go to the university. He told me that he had to get a train to Edinburgh because he was going to join the army.

When we got off the train I wished him luck and we went our separate ways.

I've found myself wondering how he is and whether his decision will be the making of him or the death of him. When he told me he was joining the army I had to urge to try to talk him out of it. He seemed a very polite and pleasant man who could do much more with his life than be cannon fodder for the British government.

Even though I wished him luck, a part of me doesn't want him to get accepted so that he won't partake in the horrors of war, invasion and occupation.

I wish him safety and I wish him peace.

I think his name was John...