the cogs keep turning

Student Nurse

2006-12-01T11:38:00.000Z

On 4th December I start my first ever nursing placement at my local hospital. I got the details of my placement really late. I went to visit yesterday and the staff seem friendly. I needed to speak to the ward Sister to arrange my off-duty as I don't have any! She was in a meeting and after waiting for 2 and a half hours I decided to leave and ring later. I have to ring after 2 o'clock today.

I've been in tears sporadically since yesterday. Why? I have no idea. I just keep bursting into tears. I don't know whether it's nerves or what. I am exceptionally nervous and I keep worrying about my lack of knowledge. I know that the purpose of these placements is to learn basic nursing skills etc but I don't want the rest of the team to become irritated by the fact that I am completely inexperienced. As soon I walked on the ward yesterday I immediately thought "I can't do this, I'm on the wrong course." I don't want to be the geeky new girl who can't even find her way around the ward let alone take and record obs correctly.

I'm totally doubting my abilities. I just hope I can learn and settle quickly and that I fit into the team.

Confidentiality
In concordance with the NMC Code of Professional Conduct (2004) scenarios that I may write about will be based around real events but information such as names, dates and locations will be fictionalized in order to protect confidential information and prevent identification.

Nothing ever changes

2006-11-01T21:09:00.000Z

I've got my new hair cut.
I've got my new wardrobe.
Nothing has changed.

The new and improved Zee

2006-10-16T18:31:00.000Z

That's it. I've decided. I am going to "re-invent" myself. No more boring politics obsessed loner that spends her life either online or watching shit programmes like Prime Suspect. I'm actually going to get myself a life and a new wardrobe and haircut to go with it.

Watch this space for the new and improved Zee.

[edit]

I feel like I need to elaborate a little.

I'm sick of being me. I'm bored of me. It's probably not a healthy way to feel when you're only 18 and you've got the rest of your life to live but that's how I feel. I'm sick of obsessing over things I can't change i.e. politics, I'm sick of watching shit on the TV, I'm sick of having nothing to do in my free time except update my iPod, I'm sick of not having any friends because they've all buggered off to uni, I'm sick of my clothes, I'm sick of my hair, I'm sick of this town, I'm sick of these four walls, I'm sick of studying, I'm sick of my dad only ever taking an interest in me when he is dictating to me about religion and telling me I'm going to hell, I'm sick of him not knowing anything about me, I'm sick of him ringing me to check where I am, I'm sick of him asking dumb questions like "why are you at the bus stop?" of "why are you ill?", I'm sick of him having a heart attack whenever a guy talks to me, I'm sick of him kicking off over me listening to music, I'm sick of him never being satisfied with anything I do, I'm sick of him scrutinizing and criticizing everything I do, I'm sick of not having anyone to talk to, I'm sick of not knowing anyone with the same interests of me, I'm sick of not having a like-minded companion, I'm sick of not being happy, I'm sick of it all.

I'm being shallow when I talk about the new and improved me. Yeah, right, like a new wardrobe and haircut is going to change anything really, but it might give me a bit of a confidence boost and enable to embrace the world a bit more and tell certain people to get off my goddamn back.

Oh whatever.

I'm sick of being sick of everything.

...

2006-10-11T18:43:00.000Z

I feel a little *bleh* today for one reason or another.......
....i want something to happen and I know it won't so I'm a down about it.....

Hello

2006-10-10T14:10:00.000Z

"Hello, I'll be your velvet girl.
We'll leave this town, we'll change the world"

"Velvet Girl" - Howling Bells

except from a conversation last night...

2006-10-08T17:08:00.000Z

Z: "I remember "Ugly" once bought me necklace. I got rid of it though."
J: "Do you know, I can't remember what she looks like."
Z: "Well.....she's tall and ugly"

Untitled

2006-10-08T13:41:00.000Z

She is out there on her own
Perfection in her chromosomes
She walks by I need to know
Her blood red lips as soft as snow
Every time that she walks by
Sends shivers down my spine
Makes me want to die

When she walks across the floor
Electric shock and my heart is raw
Is she real or just a dream
My heart beats fast like Benzedrine
Every time that she walks by
Sends shivers down my spine
Makes me want to die

She's a cherry bomb

She's a bullet in my head
Pull the trigger and I'm dead

She's a cherry bomb
Dream about her in my bed
Pull the trigger and I'm dead

"Cherry Bomb" by Ash

Train to where?

2006-10-07T13:01:00.000Z

I've found myself thinking about a conversation I had with a young man on the 7:50am train to Blackpool South on Monday. He had short blonde hair, glasses and he was wearing a white t shirt and blue jeans. He told me that he needed to get off the train at Preston railway station but that he didn't know when to get off. I informed him that I was getting off at Preston an as I go to the university. He told me that he had to get a train to Edinburgh because he was going to join the army.

When we got off the train I wished him luck and we went our separate ways.

I've found myself wondering how he is and whether his decision will be the making of him or the death of him. When he told me he was joining the army I had to urge to try to talk him out of it. He seemed a very polite and pleasant man who could do much more with his life than be cannon fodder for the British government.

Even though I wished him luck, a part of me doesn't want him to get accepted so that he won't partake in the horrors of war, invasion and occupation.

I wish him safety and I wish him peace.

I think his name was John...

Howling Bells

2006-10-06T11:59:00.000Z

"One more day is not enough to change the world
But we will rise and fall just like the setting sun."

"Setting Sun" by Howling Bells

www.howlingbells.com

Uni...

2006-10-03T18:22:00.000Z

Uni is good so far. I mean I'm not even a week into it but I'm already eager to start some real work. I've been given a small task to do which I've just completed. I had to look up "team work" in the context of nursing.
I'm really looking forward to starting my first placement in December. I'm hoping I'll start with mental health rather than one of the other branches that I have to do. I'll have to get experience in child, adult and learning disabilities at some point but like I said, I want mental health first.

Some girl asked me what I was branching off into yesterday and when I told her she looked disgusted and said I was doing the "easy option". Easy option? That must explain why I'll be on a higher salary starting bracket than her when we both qualify, because mental health is the "easy option". Unfortunately I'm going to have to work with her in my prblem based learning group. I'm not looking forward to that. I can't be bothered with such people. I don't see why she is so up her own arse about doing child nursing.

Ah, whatever... I least I won't have to deal with idots like her when I branch off. I can't wait until next year..... *rubbing hands enthusiastically*

University

2006-09-30T08:39:00.000Z

I had to enrol at University on Monday the 25th. I had to be there at 6pm. My train was delayed by 29 minutes so I panicked and ended up getting my dad to give me a lift to Uni. I got talking to a woman who it turns out owns a pub that's ust up the road from where my grandparents live. She is doing adult nursing so I won't be seeing much of her.

On the second day of fresher's week I met another woman doing mental health nursing and got chatting to her. She has been put into a different group and so I probably won't see much of her either. That leaves me knowing absolutely noone again.

I don't think I'll bother asking names and getting to know people unless they are in the same group as me or else I'll have taken the time to get to know someone I probably won't end up seeing again.

On the third day, the mental health students had a talk from two women from a society called Giving Experience Meaning (GEM). Their purpose is to bridge the gap between mental health professionals and the people who use mental health services. They talk was really interesting and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also noticed that their aren't very many mental health students. The majority are doing adult and the minority are doing child.

I'm looking forward to doing my practice placements although I'm really nervous about it because I have absolutely no experience in nursing and a few people I've got talking to have been nursing assistants for 10 years!

Formal tutoring starts on Monday and I'm looking forward to it. I think we split into our groups so I'll hopefully be able to get to know some people and make some new friends.

NOOOOOOOOO

2006-09-25T12:21:00.000Z

OH FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
FOR SOME GODDAMN REASON MY IPOD HAS JUST WIPED OFF ALL OF MY SONGS
*insert explicit language here*
I HAD OVER 5,000 SONGS ON IT.
*cries*

After the party...

2006-09-25T11:49:00.000Z

I take back most of what I said the other day. The party didn't turn out that bad afterall. I rescued from looking after everyone's children by my auntie. I've also decided not to let my dad's wife get to me so much. I'm making myself look back. So I'll be all sweetness and light and if she carries on with her attitude, she's going to be the one looking bad.

I had a good time yesterday. I went to my dads new shop, we had a good chat and it was ace. He sells shisha at this new shop and amazingly enough he allowed me to have some. I was totally shocked. I thought he would say no!! Rock and roll lol!

It's the 1st day of freshers week today. I'm a bit nervous. I get nervous at train stations because I worry about being on the wrong platform or getting on the wrong train or missing it etc. Thankfully I know where the building I have to go to is, I just don't know my way around it. There will be other people who feel like me though I guess.

I'm still nervous though......

Party time...

2006-09-23T10:57:00.000Z

OK, so today there is a party for my sisters' birthdays which I'm dreading. I dread all Arab parties. This one shouldn't be too bad because it's organized by our family so I should know most of the people there. The ones I'm invited to are the worst. The room is filled with people I don't know who look at me and give their friends the "who is the inglizia?" look. Once they find out I'm my father's daughter they come over with the whole "salam, how are you? masha'allah you are so pretty" when only two minutes ago they were looking at me like I was the crap on the bottom of their shoe.

Like I said before, this party shouldn't be THAT bad but I'll probably hate it anyway. I know what will happen already:

Everyone arrives and all the women pounce on me with their "salaaaaaaam, schlooooooonich? *mwah* *mwah* Masha'allah you have grown, you're so pretty. How is your mother?" (yeah, like you really give a shit!) OK, credit where credit is due, some people are sincere with the who "how is your mother?" thing and it's usually the men because they know her. Their wives usually don't so they are just being false. Rather than being false I wish they just wouldn't ask.
I get asked what I'm doing at university. When I tell them they start with the "this is no good. Why don't you be a doctor or dentist or teacher?"
Nobody speaks to me for the rest of the night because I don't speak Arabic. Nobody translates a single word for me. If I try to speak to someone, somebody else will talk over me and I'll get ignored.
Somebody comments on the fact that I don't speak Arabic and says I'm a disgrace.
The men drink chai and discuss politics and religion. The women drink chai and gossip about everyone, leaving me to look after everybody's kids who are at this point running riot and killing each other. If my sister is acting up and I tell her off she'll start with her "my dad isn't your dad because my mum isn't your mum" (the fact her mum isn't my mum is proof that there is a God).
I want to either scream, cry or smash somebody's face in.
I go home and rant to my mother about how I'll never go to one of their parties again.

All that is going to happen in three hours time.

The worst thing about it is that I'll have to be near my dad's wife (I refuse to call her my step-mother) who I can't stand. The hatred it balanced out though, she doesn't like me either. Everytime she looks at me she sees my mother and she sees a part of my dad's life that she's had no part of. I don't like her because she's is the rudest most obnoxious person I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

I first met her 6 1/2 years ago when I went to see my dad after he'd been out of the country. There was this woman who was 6 months pregnant and it turned out to be his wife. I was surprised of course but I made an effort to be nice to her. She on the other hand was, quite frankly, a bitch. Whenever I spoke to my dad, she talked over me and he'd ignored me and talk to her so I hardly ever bothered speaking to him. Things would go back to normal between us whenever she went to visit her family abroad. This carried on until there were rumours flying about that she had been slagging off my mother to her friends. After this she started kissing my ass. So I thought, I'll try to be ok with her again. This again all changed when we went down to London to visit some friends of ours. She moaned that she wanted to go back home all the time that we were there. She even moaned in front of them!! My friends asked me what they had done to offend her. I was immensely embarrassed. She also kicked off in front of our hosts when I bought my younger sister a book. She started ranting and raving about how I was wrong to buy her this book. At this point I knew I wanted nothing more to do with her. I really do not like her in the slightest.

I'm trying to learn Arabic so I can feel a part of my family. Whenever they come round it's like there is a glass barrier between us. I can see them but I can't get to them. They speak Arabic and I'm just left there all day watching TV stations that I don't understand. None speaks to me and like I said earlier, if I try to speak to someone I get ignored. My dad's wife has picked up on the fact that bit by bit my Arabic is getting better so the bitch has started speaking to everyone in Farsi when they come round so I can't understand. So guess what I'm going to do? Learn to speak Farsi. Then what is she going to do?? When I know enough, I'm just going to let rip and tell her what I think of her. I can't do it in English because to say she has lived her for 6 1/2 years her English is shite.

She keeps moaning about how she wants to go back to Iran. I'm going to by the cow a one way ticket. The sooner she buggers off to Iran the sooner I'll be happy. That is another reason why she doesn't like me. She probably thinks that if it wasn't for me, my dad would do what she wants.

I'll let you know if I deck her today. Haha, that would be sooooooooooo good.

Pet peeve: American English. The spell checker on blogger wanted to change my spelling of "rumours" to "rumors". There is a U in colour, rumour, favourite, mum etc. That is one thing I really cannot stand: "Mom"

Rant over.

some of my suggestions....

2006-09-21T15:02:00.000Z

smile
be more appreciative
be more tolerant
promote peace
stand up for what you believe in
never give up
walk a little faster, the person behind you might be in a rush
watch where you're going so you don't walk into somebody and piss them off
if someone "special" treats you like shit, imagine them having one and then they won't seem so goddamn "special" anymore.
no matter what your mistakes, always remember that you are beautiful

inspired by http://illegalart.org/projects_suggest.cfm

Beauty of life

2006-09-18T15:14:00.000Z

I watched a wonderful film today called "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" or "Amélie" as it's known is English (us Brits have to demolish EVERYTHING! I mean the French title is hardly difficult to pronounce!) . It's a film from 2001 and it's won quite a few awards. I'd always wanted to see it but I'd just never got round to it until my sisters' partner lent it to me.

I'd recently been struggling to see any sort of beauty in life but the movie helped me out (yes, I know that sounds stupid). It's a beautiful, quirky, and heartwarming film. It's quite simply perfect.

I predict a riot

2006-09-16T14:40:00.000Z

I'm sick of hearing about the Pope on the news. Ok, so he quotes a 14th century emperor who made a derogatory comment about the Prophet but I still have no idea about how he used the quote. British media haven't reported that bit. I mean, did the Pope say that he agreed with this emperor or did he use the quote as an example of the kind of comment that causes tension between faith groups when faiths should be joining together to the godless society?
You can't just take what he said out of context but already Muslims around the world are doing what they do best, protesting, rioting and burning dummies that are meant to be the Pope. I'm so bored of it now. Nobody, to my knowledge, knows the context in which the quote was used but yet there are protests everywhere. For God's sake why don't they protest about poverty, injustice, bombings and things like that?!

It's just a good excuse to show the world how "pious" they are when in reality they are getting up to all sorts, especially in Arab countries. They'd sell their own grandmother for a dinar.
And before anyone calls me racist, I'm Muslim and part Arab so forget it.

deviant art

2006-09-14T19:29:00.000Z

I now have a deviant art account
It probably won't be updated often but hey...it's there for when I want it :D

You can find my dA page here:

http://zephyr88.deviantart.com/

Salam.

When will it stop?!

2006-09-10T10:40:00.000Z

I've just watched Tony Blair and Mahmoud Abbas have their press conference in Ramallah. Tony Blair basically said you don't need UN peacekeeping forces to protect you from the Israelis and that he wasn't prepared to lay the blame at Israel's door.
WHY?!?!
I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT
Why is it that the international community boycotts the democratically elected government of Hamas because they say it's a "terrorist organisation" but yet they support Israel who committ atrocities and terrorist acts everyday?! Why is it that Britain support Israel when they celebrate the day that the Isreali terrorist group Irgun attacked the King David Hotel and killed a number of Brits? The leader of the Irgun, Menachem Begin went on to be PM of Israel!! He was the Hitler of Zionism but yet nobody went against him.

I hate these double standards.

الحرية الفلسطين

At least there are some people out there who see the truth.

http://www.jewsagainstzionism.com/

http://www.jewsnotzionists.org

http://www.nkuk.org

salam

Last Minute Nerves

2006-09-09T08:59:00.000Z

On edge above the rushing below,
Wind through slightly greying hair.
Inhalation of smoke, the falling ash,
The last cigarette drawn to smiling lips.
Deafening noise, silent to liberations cries.
A black jacket discarded, a stubbed out end.
Last minute nerves…
Crack.

2006-09-08T08:48:00.000Z

Because we don't know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustable well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that is so deeply part of your being that you, that you can't even conceive of your life without it. Perhaps four or five times more, perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps 20. And yet it all seems limitless.

Paul Bowles – The Sheltering Sky (1942)

melancholy and the infinite sadness...

2006-09-07T12:03:00.000Z

"While the person who commits suicide dies only once, the loved ones left behind often die a thousand deaths wondering why."

I don't know who wrote that statement but I do know that it is true.

It's going to be the anniversary of the death of one of my relatives in a couple of months so I'm feeling a little melancholy today. Another chapter of my life starts soon, I'm going to university so I'm a little upset that he won't be around to see it.

Salam.

...

2006-09-06T18:56:00.000Z

Yesterday my grandparents were burgled. A small amount of money and some jewellery was stolen but alhamdulillah they weren't hurt, just a little shaken up by it. They didn't force their way in, they told my grandmother that they had damaged their back wall and she let them in. My grandparents are honest people and they think that because they are honest, everyone else is too. They were telling me about when they were young, you could go shopping and leave your front door wide open and nobody would steal anything. I don't understand how someone could do that to an elderly couple. They are in their 80s for crying out loud. They are definitely some very warped people in this world. People who prey on the elderly have no soul.

homicide, suicide, genocide, infanticide, paedophilia, necrophilia, famine, drought, war, weapons, chemical weapons, nuclear weapons, biological weapons, carpet bombing, torture, rape, arson, burglary, corruption, destruction, discrimination, racism, persecution, holocaust, Josef Mengele, Adolf Hitler, Nazism, Zionism, Menachem Begin, warmongers, Tony Blair, George Bush, Robert Mugabe, apartheid, segregation, slavery, hatred, disease, self loathing...

#...and I think to myself, what a wonderful world#

I don't believe in titles

2006-09-05T09:48:00.001Z

I've complained for too long that I am unable to make myself heard. Maybe this blog will help me. I want to be heard but to be honest; I don't really have anything interesting to say. I just spend my time doing nothing expect moaning and reading orneryboy.

Part of my address is "dum spiro spero" but my hope is wearing thin. I've just been watching a news broadcast about the gunman in Amman, Jordan that shouted Allahu Akbar before opening fire on foreign tourists. I totally agree with the fact that God is indeed great but what was he thinking? How can someone do that in the name of the Almighty? From callous and senseless acts like these you get the whole "Islamic terrorism" crap. "Islamic terrorism" is an oxymoron. There is nothing remotely Islamic about terrorism.
I do have one question though. If a Muslim commits a terrorist act why is it classed as "Islamic terrorism"? When Zionists bulldoze Palestinian homes and murder innocent children, why isn't it referred to as "Jewish terrorism" When a group of Hindu extremists burn down a mosque, why isn't it referred to as "Hindu terrorism"?
Of course, we know the answer. "Islamic terrorism" is convenient for Western powers. Oil is running out, the Middle East holds the highest quality oil in the world and guess what? They are all predominantly Muslim countries. The majority of people have nothing between their ears and ravenously swallow the shit that is spoon-fed to them by Zionist and government controlled media.
It's The War Against Terror baby!!! The intialism of The War Against Terror is a strikingly accurate description of members of the Bush and Blair administration! (oh and not forgetting the PNAC- just check this out http://www.newamericancentury.org/Bushletter.htm and make sure you look at the date of letter!)

I think that is enough rambling/ranting for one morning. I hope to post again soon.

Salam.